Reflections

Lately I have had quite a few things going on around me that have caused me to think, like I haven’t for awhile.  My neighbor two doors down over the past 5 years has been fighting melanoma.  It is because she scared me enough, that I went to the dermatologist and found that I too had Basal Cell Carcinoma in my head and also Melanocytic Hyperplasia in my face; in two places.  Truly, in all sincerity, I owe her my life.  For five years I have been reading her journey through her blog  www.joshandalisa.blogspot.com & www.joshalisa.blogspot.com, respectively.   It seems lately she has received blow after blow in her fight against this awful cancer and its very painful to watch.  I remember chatting with her when she first was diagnosed and she came over and asked us how we dealt with it when Michael was diagnosed with cancer.  I remember telling her she could talk to me because “I get it” and you know what…..I don’t anymore.  I have regretted saying that ever since I did because I haven’t gone down this path she is going down.  The playing field used to be level, but now she is facing so much more than we had to.  Yes, cancer is cancer, but Michael’s was WAY more treatable.  I wish so badly I could will things better for her.  I wish there was an intensity I could pray with that would command it to be cured, if that makes any sense. 

I look at my boys with wiser eyes.  Yes, they still overwhelm me, but its put so much into perspective.  All of a sudden my gripes aren’t in any way justified.  We just had Jared when Michael had both a brain tumor (Acromegaly) and testicular cancer.  Honestly, it scared the hell out of me.  “Would I be raising our son alone?  Would Michael live?  Where would we go?  What would we do?  I don’t want to live life without him!”

But, time is a  funny thing.  With the passing of time comes complacency.  For too brief of a time, I lived my life with the thought in the front of my mind that it could be gone  at any time.  That we could go  in for a scan and it would be back.  Living from scan to scan, I was waiting for that confirmation that all would be fine.  This year marks 10 years for us since that ordeal.  I still hold my breath from scan to scan, but until a few months ago, I learned to move those thoughts to the back of my mind.  Until now.

Watching my friend going through this re-opens all sorts of wounds.  I am grateful for the reminder that life is fragile.  I am sorry beyond any appropriate words, that it takes something so awful to bring that back to the forefront of my mind.  In some weird sense, I almost feel guilty that we’ve moved forward.  It’s not fair.  She has 3 beautiful baby boys.  I have 4.  She is around 32.  I am 34.   What makes one outcome different for some than others?  WHY?

I know I will never have those answers.  Not in this life.  Maybe not in the next either.

All I can do is try to keep this perspective in the front of my mind again.  This time I am determined to keep it there.  From day to day when there’s lots of fighting and arguing, and whining, and when it seems to never end, I need to remember…..life is fragile.  Time is a blessing.  If time and love are two of God’s greatest gifts (of that, I am convinced), what am I going to do with mine?  There are so many changes to be made.

So, I can’t honestly say I will never lose my patience again, never yell again, never be self centered again, but  this much I can commit to.  I am going to try.  I will hug my babies, burn in my memory all the smiles, all the mischief, all the frustrations, even the bad times, along with the good.  This is my life.  My experience.